Hello, dear soul, and welcome to the Light Bears Library. In today's journal entry, I want to talk about something that has made the most difference in my relationship with my husband. Well, in fact, in all of my relationships. And it's a way of translating what's happening inside of me and being able to speak it and share it with him. And for him to have the same tool of a framework to explain what is happening inside of him so that we're not constantly misunderstanding each other or talking past, you know, past one another and trying to make the other person more like us and the misunderstanding. I don't know about you, but that kind of is so draining when we are we feel when we feel misunderstood by others. So what I'm talking about is the personality framework. And you can use kind of whatever one works for you. When I found um the Myers-Briggs personality type, and you know, and the cognitive functions that were um created by, well, talked about by Jung, Carl Jung, it changed my life. Seriously. So I am an INFP in the Myers-Briggs system, and my husband is an INFJ in the Myers-Briggs system. So if you know anything about them, that's great. If you don't, don't worry about it. If you resonate with my channel and being a sensitive soul and a highly sensitive person, then this could be you as well. Something in, you know, you might feel quite different from other people in your family or your partner and find it hard to explain what's happening in inside of you. You know, as an INFP, one of the biggest things that I've found in relationships is I need a lot of alone time, a lot of inside time to just process emotions and process stuff that has come up for me. And um a lot of time journaling to figure out, you know, figure out what what is what has made me feel certain ways or why, yeah, why I'm feeling certain ways. So it takes a lot of, you know, internal processing sometimes. And, you know, when we are, you know, really feeling kind of people, heart-centered people in a world that is very not kind of not kind of accepting of that in some ways, then it can make us feel like we need to hide that or or be smaller in that. So finding um the personality framework has really helped me to kind of feel bigger again, feel more confident in in who I am, and not not hiding anymore and saying, no, this is this is who I am. You know, I can't be anything other than who I am. And I think that's what has been so helpful is that for me, personality theory has um, you know, because I've always thought that we're so uniquely made as souls. And this has really helped me to see that it's so true. You know, the MBTI system has 16 different personality types, and sure, we could make way more, we could make way less, but 16 is a great number to say, you know, okay, there's lots of diversity, but there's also patterns that show up. And I've noticed this with, you know, people who also say that their INFPs, it's like there's a resonance there. You know, we speak a similar language. Um, we may not agree on everything, and that's not what it's about. It's about how our internal workings happen, you know. So it explains why we get along with certain kinds of people and why we may have, you know, clashes with certain kinds of people, but it helps us to know why that's happening and to also kind of see ways of of working together, especially if both people are on the same page. Both people know their type, and you know, it's not a box, right? This is not about boxing ourselves in and being like, I can't act in any other way. No, it's it actually for me has felt like an absolute freedom to be me. And um because it's given me um okay, before that, I wanted to just say that because so often I felt like I was kind of going mad because I couldn't understand why other people would do or say things because I was like, that's not something I would do. And I think I think there's like a lot of us, and maybe you have the same have had the same thoughts. It's like you can't understand other people because it's like, well, I wouldn't do that. And it makes us realize that there's many different ways of looking at the world. I always think of it as like lenses. We're all wearing sort of different kinds of lenses, and we see the world, we actually see the world differently. And it would if it was just like, well, of course we do. But but having the framework really helped me to see how different we are, you know, and um yeah. So when we have difficulty expressing our inner worlds, especially as INFPs having um introverted feeling, it's an it's an inwardly focused um cognitive function. That's what it's it's called. It's called a cognitive function. So how we kind of really are in the world is like we're constantly turning things in and going, how do I feel about this? Do I value this? Is this important to me? And if it is, then how can I live my life in alignment with that that feeling or that value? And that's it's it's not something that we express a lot. We don't, we don't necessarily say it out loud. Um, but so so that can it can be difficult for us to express what's happening in our inner world, um, especially if if we're having difficulties in relationship, because it can feels like it can kind of s get all swirly in there and it's hard to express in the moment. It's like we often need, well, I often need time to just introvert and figure out what has happened inside of me and then come back to the conversation when I'm, you know, calmed down and I have a, you know, kind of figured it out and then can use words. Um, so it helps helps us to also allow space for others to to be different from us and to know how they need to process information and that they might need to actually talk things out in order to know what they're feeling. You know, my husband is an INFJ and he has extroverted feeling. So for him, a lot of his emotional processing, it he needs to to speak it and and to kind of hear for himself what's what's what he's feeling, what's true for him, what's not true for him. And um, so it's it's very different from from me and how I I do it. And so I always felt like I I needed to kind of push, push away from that until I found the the MBTI and I was like, oh, what he needs is is me to just listen. I don't need to figure out what he's feeling, I don't need to like, you know, take it on as mine. It's just his way of needing to sort of process it. Um extroverted. And I was like, oh, okay. And so it it helps us to stop misinterpreting to stop misinterpreting other people's stuff and to help them understand ourselves. And because it's it's a it's a natural way of being. Like our lenses we can't take off. We can't, we're born with them, you know, and so it's our nature, it's how we are. And when I realized this, it was it was life-changing because I grew up with a mom who is an ESTJ, and in the Myersburg system, ESTJs are very, you know, um well organized and like structure and plans, and you know, I'm just this is just base basic level. But you know, I I always thought that I needed to grow up and be her. That that was my idea of like what I needed to grow up and be is an ESTJ. That's what an adult woman is. So in my child, childlike mind, I was always comparing myself to her. And I, you know, I'm in my 40s now and I could never, I could, I just could, I couldn't get to being an ESTJ. You know, my life is just so much more like, you know, free-flowing and bit chaotic and much more values-based and and focused. And so when I learned this, I was like, oh, I was never going to be an ESTJ like my mom. So it was absolutely freeing for me to just be like, oh, this is my natural way of being. I can just let go of the guilt, the heavy guilt of not being more like her. Um, you know, or and it might be for you, your dad, or whatever, you know, somebody that you looked up to and you wanted to be like them, but it's like, but if we're kind of we have different lenses, then we're never gonna be like them, you know. So um it's the framework for me was a way of of depersonalizing our ways of being. So because so there are um because there are others we okay, yeah. Sorry, I'm trying to read my read my notes here, but um so what I mean by depersonalizing is so often I was thinking, you know, well, why can't they just do it differently? Or, you know, I would feel this pressure from from other people to do things differently, to not kind of introvert my feelings or to whatever whatever it is, you know. Um, and I just always felt like like I need to be something different, or I'm expecting that other person to change. So when I learned about the personality framework, it was really an aha moment of saying, okay, well, it's not personal. Like they're not, they're not like choosing to be what I perceive as a as a jerk or whatever. They're just using a different function that is very straight to the point, you know, thinking, um, like a thinking cognitive function, like introverted thinking, high introverted thinkers, and and mm-hmm as a Zion FPs, it can feel very harsh the way that sometimes they just tell us like it is. And while we can feel like it may be true, it's like, ouch, you know, I would never, I would never say that to someone like that. That's really hurtful. But they're not saying it to be hurtful in with their lens, they're they're just they're just, you know, saying something like, you know, to be helpful. They're actually trying to help. Um, so it helps us from feeling like other people are jerks, or you know, when we can kind of understand where they're coming from from a personality type, it's they were born with these lenses, then we stop saying it's like, oh, they're like this, and they could choose to be different. And I'm not saying this is about behaviors, right? Because we can obviously modify, modify our behaviors and and you know, um, but especially when we understand about personality framework, you know, for example, my brother who is an ISTP who has high, like his main function is is uh introduction. He, you know, he's he just likes to say things straight up plain and with as few as words possible. And it kind of comes across to me like, ouch, that was a jerk thing to say, you know. Um, but now that I understand that, I'm like, oh, he's just really trying to love me and be helpful. Um, but if he knew, he doesn't know about this framework, but if he knew that that's how he came across to, you know, a more feeler person like me and my sister, then he could he could modify it and know that how he comes across in that way is is a bit harsh. So he could just modify it by, you know, softening it slightly. That's kind of what I'm saying is like when we know that this is how we come across to certain other types, we can we can help them to understand us better, right? And not think we're jerks or whatever. Um and yes, and I guess that that's that point of like we can use it to communicate more effectively. So when we know what's happening inside of us and we know how others are are kind of built cognitively, we can communicate in ways that they can hear what we're saying more clearly. You know, we might need to frame it in a different way than we might naturally if we were talking to a different type. But but that's but that's really, really, really cool, I think. So for instance, I'll use my own relationship with my husband because this is what really changed my life, is my husband and I moved provinces and um it really it really shook our relationship a lot. And then there was a lot happening with my family, and we were really having struggles kind of communicating with one another, and I was like, I don't know who you are anymore, and because the the environment that we were living in really shifted his personality because his personality type is one that is very highly uh sensitive to the external environment, and plus he's a highly sensitive person as well, and so that played a huge, a huge role in in kind of the shifting sands. But when we learned about us, you know, him being an IFJ and me being an INFP, it was like wow. And we've both been typed professionally, so we both are are like certain that that's our types. Um, but you know, when we talk about our in our intuitive functions, you know, his intuitive function wants to kind of bring all the information in and sort of boil it down to kind of its its essence and and just really kind of focused intuition. My intuition, on the other hand, is extroverted intuition. So it wants, it wants to go broad and wide and have explore all the options and all the ideas. And so when we're trying to make decisions, and I'm like, ooh, what about this? And we should, you know, do some research on this, and he's like, No, like, and now he can be like, oh, you're just playing and exploring, and it's okay, you know. And it's like, okay. And then when it comes to our feeling functions, you know, so we have all the kind of opposite functions to one another, which was they're related but but different. Um, so I have introverted feeling, which I mentioned earlier. He has extroverted feeling. And so I need inner harmony within myself. So I need to like shut off a little bit when there's inner turmoil happening. I need to just kind of calm that down and sort that out before I can kind of come and be in relationship again. Whereas he wants uh like external harmony with me and with other people, right? So he wants, he's like, when I'm happy, he's happy. Like there's a calmness and settledness. So it's kind of like we understood that if we're having having a conversation that kind of goes a bit sideways, um, you know, what's happened is like for me, there's a bunch of inner turmoil that I need to say, I need a moment to to just calm this down and figure this out first. And then I can come back and we can create harmony between us, you know, so that he's happy then. And so it's that's been really, really helpful because he always felt like he was stepping on eggshells all the time. And it it because he's not aware of what's happening inside of me. And so I've become much more vocal about when I understand like that something has triggered um kind of a swirl inside of me. I I know to say, I just need a timeout to figure out what's happening inside of me. And now he goes, okay, no problem. He knows that I'm going to figure that out and then come back to him with a way of of of repairing our our relationship and of finding harmony between us. So he now gives me this space as opposed to trying to like figure out what what he's done wrong and what's happening with me so that he can create that that external harmony between us. He's like, okay, it's all gonna be fine. So having that, having that language has been so, so healing between us, you know, there's so not like the eggshell kind of thing has really calmed down and we've we've found a way of of communicating better. Um and then like TI, so um introverted thinking for him versus extroverted thinking for me. It's like I'm much more aware and care about um what other people are thinking around me, you know, what do what do they think? What are they, you know, you know, and I I kind of want to to, yeah, I don't know quite how to explain that yet, but you know, he he's he's not so concerned with what other people think, you know. He's about, you know, an more of an independent thinker. And so that's been really good in our relationship to to balance one another in in that, you know, I'll provide information and he'll kind of, you know, be like, yeah, I don't know, I'll look into that. And so he he we we have a great divide in in um job descriptions in that way, you know, and so we help one another in in balancing our our thinking. And um, yeah, so those are just some ways that that knowing the cognitive functions can help you to to work with your partner or any relationship. But they c but the thing is is that both parties have to be on board for learning this tool and learning the the framework so that it can be useful to both of you and both of you have the language to use, otherwise it's one-sided, which can still be useful and helpful. I'm not like that's it, can be most helpful when both are both are informed, but you can use it if you're just informed about how you work inside, you know, to to know yourself, to be like, this is how I work. I can't change how I work. I can so but when we know how we work, we can modify it to help others understand us. So we're less misunderstood. And we can release the guilt of feeling like us, you know. We can, you know, um we can let go of the guilt of meeting our own needs. It's like I need a lot of alone time, a lot of internal time, and I'm so grateful that my husband also needs the same. So we we we do a lot of that. But um, but knowing that's how we are, we can let go of all the guiltiness that we feel, probably because the people that we're in relationship. Don't maybe need that for themselves. So we feel this tension between, you know, what we need and what other people need. And so it helps us to be able to explain our ways of being to others so that they're not misunder we're not misunderstood. So there could be ways of of then, you know, introducing your partner or um or your you know family members to MBTI. And, you know, I won't go into that now, but but often if you're reading an article that really speaks about something that happens to you that is happening for you internally, especially as an INFP, a lot of the, you know, um a lot of what happens in us, it it helps us to give language to that and be able to share that with others. Or you can share an article with someone and say, this is kind of why I'm maybe not getting back to your texts right away, you know, sometimes like that. Um, you know. Um, but this is this is how even if we're HSPs, finding articles on HSPs and being able to share that with our family and friends, you know, it's the same kind of thing. So um it helps us to not lose ourselves as well. This is the last thing I'll say. Um, you know, in relationships, I have noticed that sometimes I tend to, and that might be a different thing. Um, that might have to do with uh attachment, and so maybe I'll leave that there. But it definitely helps us to stand in our own kind of ways of being, explain those, not be, you know, misunderstood anymore. Um, well, we'll probably still be misunderstood, but we won't feel so badly about it, you know, because that's how we are. Anyway, I hope this was helpful to you. If it was, please give me a thumbs up. I would love to hear from you in the comments if you found some if you found this helpful for you in your own relationships and some ideas about how you might share this with other people in your life. And um, yeah, or anything that this sparked. I love hearing from you. And um, so I will wish you so many blessings. Signing off right now, XOXO Kate.