Hello, dear soul, and welcome to the Light Bears Library. My name is Kate Harmony. In today's journal entry, I want to talk specifically to the women out there who love sensitive men. I'm specifically talking to those of us who are in relationship with highly sensitive men in a girlfriend, wives, partner kind of way. However, if you have highly sensitive men in your family or in your friend group, then this will, you know, help you to maybe understand them as well. So this video specifically is a request from a new subscriber, um, Fred Hubbard, who is a 68-year-old man who says he is very tall. Uh it was in it was in centimeters and kilograms, so I don't think that way. So um I think it was over six feet and very muscular and athletic, and he cries at the drop of a hat. And so he was talking, asking for um a video on how wives can kind of maybe understand their sensitive men a little bit more. So this is for you, Fred. So whether your man is like Fred, very sort of typically quote unquote masculine looking, or whether he's maybe more slight or shorter or whatever it might be, regardless of the outside, the inside is wired differently from most other men. So highly sensitive people are about 20 to 30 percent of the population. So there are fewer people that are wired that way. And what that means is that, you know, sounds and um sights, like every every sensory experience is heightened. And even emotion-wise, everything is heightened. And it can even play into like um empat like empathy, right? So they can feel people's emotions. They're noticing the subtle nuances in people's facial expressions and tones of voice. And it's just they're they're seeing and hearing and noticing things that the rest of us maybe don't. I myself am also a highly sensitive person, um, but my husband is like like on the far scale of being a highly sensitive man. So um yeah, so oftentimes these are sorry, my notes are on the computer because I wrote the some of the things in my journal, but it was just so there was so much. And I was feeling discombobulated. So I put them all on the computer and kind of tried to organize them a little bit. So these are just some of my thoughts. I'm sure there's a ton more that I could think about. I've, you know, been married to my husband now for I think nine years. We've been in relationships longer than that. But um, so there's a lot to say about this topic. Um, and we've only just realized that we are highly sensitive people in the last year, and that's been like a light bulb moment of going, oh, this explains a lot. Um so it could be that, you know, your man is an introvert, um, although there are there are a good chunk of highly sensitive people who are extroverts. Um and it could be that they're more particularly an INFP or an INFJ in the Myers-Briggs personality system. Um, I'm an INFP, my husband is an INFJ, and many of the people who commented on that highly sensitive men video um are those types of personalities. However, you know, that can cover a broad spectrum. I know an I I know an ISTJ man who's very sensitive. Um, so that's just giving you an idea. And I would suggest that if you don't know your personality, yours, and your husband's or your partners, I would I would do some digging into that because having realized um it's been over a year now, kind of digging into our personalities. When we realized that our personality types and we we learned about them, it was like, wait, that's how you are on the inside? It's like, oh, that's how you are on the inside, it's made a lot more sense to us, and we're it's helping our marriage to be to have language and words to talk about what's happening inside of each of us and to help understand one another. And I always think that love is understanding. So when we can understand someone better, we can love them better. So um, yeah, that's been a real game changer. So the thing is, is that his sensitivity and it's it's not a vulnerability, it's not something to be fixed. He's not broken, right? This is a different way of looking at the world. It's maybe a sort of more spiritual, creative way of seeing the world that requires a specific kind of sanctuary, specific kind of like home life or relationship um uh dynamic to to flourish. And you know, because existing in this loud, kind of crazy world that we're living in at the moment, it's exhausting. And sometimes just sometimes just by sitting and perceiving what's around around him is is exhausting, right? Um just just people watching can be exhausting because of the things that you see people doing, you know, just scrolling on their phone while their kid is trying to talk to them or whatever it might be, all those things are are draining. And whether it's emotionally draining or just sensor sen like sensorally sensor sensory over overwhelm, overload. Um so we kind of have to realize that that there's something happening inside of them that they might not even be talking about. And that's that's another thing. You know, there's there's another thing to, you know, being a highly sensitive man. And um I think the thing is is that they end up having to, because they we live in this world where there's this stereotype, you know, what a man is and what masculinity is. Sensitive men have often had have had to mask their whole lives, like from a very young age, just to kind of get by in the world. Um, you know, just to maybe deal with parents who didn't understand their sensitivity, or deal with with people in school that, you know, bullied them and didn't understand their sensitivity and took advantage of that. So they've had to put on this like this mask or this, you know, wall, or whatever everybody has a different maybe term for it. Um, but that masking of their true selves, of their sensitivity, of their emotional everything, it's it's exhausting and it can feel like a betrayal of their true selves, of their, of their soul, of their nature, right? It's like they have just a yeah, a soft, sensitive, beautiful, kind of. And so that's that's hard. That's recognizing that that's been their whole life and that we in partnership need to provide a space to to explore that. And what I was gonna say is that, you know, when we're in relationship with men, it's like they need to, if they're they need to to be able to be willing to explore that with their partner. Um, if they're gonna keep masking in a relationship, then that's not it's not gonna go well, right? So how can we there are things that happen that can bring about misunderstandings and and I think that one of the things that can happen when when he's overstimulated, and this is kind of shocking from my own experience, but also like I think there's there's well over a thousand comments on that sensitive men video about their the reading like their experiences. So if you'd like an insight into your sensitive men, I would go and read the comments on that video because it's it's overwhelming in just the pain and suffering that is actually happening inside of them. So um it gives us uh an ability to get an inside view and to find a lot of compassion. You know, I felt I felt a lot more compassion for my own husband just having read that. And I am definitely not perfect. I um have a lot to learn about myself and my husband. So this is not coming from a place of preaching or like I'm an expert in this. I'm not. It's like we'll we're learning together. And I think sometimes my husband will will pull away um or kind of he'll need to not talk, really. Um, so sometimes that can feel like low like lonely and and like a bit of a rejection to me, but it's has nothing to do with him rejecting me. It's just needing to just just kind of lower the volume on everything that's happening. Because, you know, sometimes we'll have disagreements of like, you know, perspectives or whatever. And it's just that level of um just even even disagreement or emotional tension can can bring us both to overwhelm, but but because he's more sensitive for him, it's just like he needs a timeout and to like not talk. And for him, that's a way of finding his peace inside again. He finds, he's like, I would just rather not talk. It's just so much more peaceful. I'm like, okay, I'll try and not just take that personally. But anyway, um, and because yeah, so so there's there's he's picking up on everything. Here's the other thing, right? As sensitive, uh he's sensitive to my emotional state and my my thinking and everything that's happening for me. So if I'm feeling sad or angry about my family stuff, which I have been for a while, if you've been on my channel, you know about that. It's like he can pick up on that and knows often he knows what I'm what I'm feeling. He may not know it know why I'm feeling that. And sometimes I don't know quite yet either. Um, and so I've learned to to explain that to him. And that's a difference of personality type for for us. Um but yeah, that can be that can be exhausting for him, just being in relationship with sort of um that that sense of drama or um yeah, drama. Drama is like emotional highs and lows is is exhausting. So knowing that if you're going through that with something in your life, that's going to drain him as well. Um and I think the other thing is knowing that even though we're in relationship with these men, there I think there's a sense of loneliness and potential isolation, regardless of being in a relationship. I know that even though I do my best to understand my husband and I listen to all of his wonderful, wonderful philosophizing and theorizing and um, you know, just all the ideas, right? Um he's he's he's he's wonderfully intelligent. And so, you know, I'll sit and and we'll like have hour-long, hours-long discussion about things. But there's still this sense of loneliness in him and isolation, because I think not being not being, I can't, there's no way I can fully understand him because I I am not a man for one. Um, I'm not an INFJ for another. Um, I'm not, you know, all the things that I'm not. So there's, you know, and even being an INFJ, like he's ever he helps everyone else and sometimes doesn't feel like he gets the support that he needs from from his family, my family, even me sometimes, you know. And yeah, so that's something that he's dealing with. And then there's often a need for space. And I as a as an introvert myself, like I need lots of space too. Like, arguably, in when we were first dating or going out, it was like, I needed a lot more space than him. I was like, I just need space. So this need for space isn't about you know not being with us. It's just that solitude isn't some luxury. It's it's it's a requirement for mental health in some ways, and uh a space for creativity and connection with the divine or connection or or or time to learn. You know, my husband is constantly reading and listening to philosophy and theology podcasts and you know, whatever, all sorts of different things, like a vast range. Um so just needing that time, and it's not about not wanting to spend time with us. It's just, yeah, needing that space. And one other thing that I will say, because it's not something we think about often, but a lot of a lot of men and highly sensitive people, I will say, but but for men it's kind of maybe not seen as something that is it's not talked about, especially in this day and age. Maybe 200 years ago it was, or you know, in the in the romantic era. Um but it's like the need for beauty. It's not a nice to have, it's an actual need. And that can look different for each person, uh what that is. For my husband, it's like needing to have trees or art or beautiful music. It's the that's the highly sensitive person. It's their yes, yes, all sorts of bad noises or bright lights or everything can be overstimulating, but when it's good input, when it's beauty and beautiful music and all those things, that that increases their level of well-being. So it's a need, not just a a nice to have. So how can we then support our partners? These are some of my thoughts. Um not wanting to to try and fix them or try and like make them tougher, or try and, you know, be like, oh, it's not that bad, or it's not that loud, or it's not that cold. Like my husband is really sensitive to the cold. And like we learned a lot about his sensitivity by moving somewhere that was really a really difficult um um like location to live. We moved from the West Coast, which was mild weather and soft rainforest, and it just it was, it was, and beauty of big trees to southern Alberta where it's winter most of the year. It's um it's so dry, his skin, you know, cracks, and it just there's just so many things that are really, really hard on his on his sensitivities. And it's having grown up here, it's been hard to kind of understand that that's what has made us learn about being highly sensitive. It's like, oh, that's what's going on here, you know. Um, so I've had to learn how to be much more kind and compassionate of like, no, he's actually feeling much colder than I am and much colder than most people are. And he's, you know, all these things. So the understanding part comes back in again. And so there is no, there's not any way to fix that or, you know, um make them tougher. It's like, oh, that light isn't as bright as you think it is. It's like, no, it is. So just supporting them for who, who, who they are, how they're built, how their their their their nervous system is is built and and or their personality, right? Um, this is this is the other thing. It's like we all have these unique personalities. So trying to understand another is like requires learning. Um, you know, when we think about other people as just kind of variations on a theme of how it works inside of us, it's like that's not, that's not, that's not how it works. You know, we're all very different. Um so we want to try and be that that safe harbor, that, you know, sanctuary, the be that one person who doesn't judge him for his tears, you know, for his need for quiet, for his need to maybe, maybe sometimes complain about how shitty the world is right now and how they don't want to be here and living in this world as it is, that and you know, talk about how how unkind people are and how all the things, you know, it's listening to what they're seeing and perceiving, you know, or listening to how how even even in in when you're in relationship with other people in family, with like say my family members, he'd be like, you know your mom's lying to you, right? It's like what? He's like, Yeah, you were on the phone call and like you know, she said that thing. It's like she's lying. It's like, oh, because he can he he can hear that. He and you know, and he can put all these things together. Or, you know, he's like, you know, your brother's manipulating you with that, like he's using you. It's like, oh, so so being open and trusting him. Because it can be hard, I've found, to, to try to see my family through those lenses of them, you know, being them lying or manipulating or whatever. Because as an INFP, I just want to trust everyone. I want everybody to be like kind and I want to see the world in that lens, but that's not true, you know. Um, so that we don't judge that and kind of that we try and try and accept that. And we want to, you know, the that that's such a powerful thing even in itself itself, accepting them and reflecting, trying to reflect back the value of of that of that, when the world outside is just doesn't see that value, doesn't, doesn't you know understand that sensitivity and sees it as a bad thing. And that's where like I talked about in the last video about highly sensitive men, it's like a lot of them can see it as a curse. So we need to find ways as their partner to to try and find the good in the sensitivity, the the good of of of looking at the way the world in the way they do. And I think the other thing is is that we can be, if we're if we're less highly sensitive than our husbands, um, then we can be the guardians of of our home, of our sanctuary, and help to manage the noise, help to manage the light, help to manage the the sensory input that's happening. And we can only do so much. It's like I've talked a lot about living in a basement suite, and we can't, we can't deal with the noise that's currently going on above my head, and I'm trying to ignore it. But we can help. We can help, you know, set up lights or in, you know, calm lights, twinkly lights. One of my one of my friends was saying, you know, they've set up twinkly lights in a hallway that is, you know, so that they don't have to turn bright lights on, or whatever it is that we can help to manage the space in a way that's uh allows for them to be calm in the space, to relax and let go. And and and kind of recharge, I guess. And speaking of sanctuary, um, I think one of the greatest needs of sensitive souls, and that's who I talk to on this channel, but is that a place where men specifically, but you know, I women as well, then then that's Why I'm doing it, but where we can unmask and where we can connect with other people who are like us. And that's what I was saying earlier. I think, I think I can't quite understand my husband, and he needs to find at some point. I don't know. And that's why it's so hard. It's so hard to find people in person that are like you because you're very, very unique a lot of the time. And so I want to create a space where people can connect with others like them and unmask. And so I'm building a community where we can sort of move forward from this isolation, from this loneliness, from this feeling of not being seen and heard and understood. And that we can find this sense of belonging and um through through intentional groups. So I think that um like through a men's group. So I'm I'm creating the Light Bears Library, it's going to be an online community where men and women can connect with with each other and kind of feel feel whole. Because I think what happens is when a man can feel that sense from you know other men or whatever it is, then they can come back to the marriage or the partnership a bit more um renewed in their in in their sense of who they are, in their sense of being this unique soul and and seeing the positivities. I think, because there's a lot of men that are highly sensitive that see their sensitivity as this beautiful gift. And I think that would be such a wonderful, a wonderful gift for them to share with other men how how that is a gift and how maybe to shift their perspective and see it differently. And I think that would be something that would be really profound. I know for my husband, uh, because he's currently in a state of existential depression and despair and uh and isolation and it's like I can only do so much. So I think the thing is is that when there's when they've spent maybe their whole lives of 50, 60 years plus in this state of masking, of not being seen and appreciated and for for who they are. And I know I've felt this even as my own highly sensitive person, you know, being a High Simpson person and being an INFP. I felt this dying inside. And I think that when they can open that up and flourish again, then there's a level of intimacy and a level of beauty and loyalty and kindness and compassion, all the things. It's just it's beautiful. And the level of creativity and passion, and you know, there's been lots of times in in my relationship with my husband that that's been the reality. But just it's it's been really rough, really rough the last um five, six, however many years, you know, and so having a community to support, support the relationship, because I think part of the problem is that people outside of the relationship as well don't understand highly sensitive men. So there's there's also that as well. There's like the the pressure of the world and all the other people in your family or co-workers that don't understand what it is to be a highly sensitive man that is just really hard. Um so the it takes, I think, an incredible amount of courage and strength to be a highly sensitive man in this world. And because this it the society doesn't value what they have to offer as a whole, as a whole. And there are niches and spaces that that value that, and it's like more artistic creative spheres that I've seen, but those are being whittled down. So um, but when a sensitive man feels safe, he can offer so much, so much beauty and and depth and presence. And that's what we're aiming for, and that's what we're hoping to achieve. I hope as as as wives and partners who love sensitive men, we want them to be able to be their full selves and flourish. And I think when we can find that that that flourishing in a partnership, then we can be, you know, we can kind of be this power couple, right? We can be that sense of of bringing light. That's my whole thing, whole mission is to help us to all be light bearers, to, you know, to to break off the masks and break off the sense, you know, and just be like, screw it. I don't care what the world thinks. I'm gonna be my, you know, big, beautiful self, highly sensitive and all. Like, you know, um, so that, you know, I think the world will be a better place if if we kind of, you know, yeah. So I'd love to hear from you now. So if you're in a partner, if you're a partner of a sensitive man, what are some of the things that you have you have figured out, you know, how to support him in removing his mask in so he could be fully himself, to acknowledge and accept his depth and his quirks and um, you know, his soulful humanity. I would love to know because we're, you know, we're all learning from one another. I could definitely learn some some things from you. And um for the highly sensitive men out there, I would love to hear from you how you feel supported in a relationship and what do what does that look like? What do they do? How do they do it? Um, because I'd like to learn. And um yeah, so this can be a real place of of sharing in the comments and a and a knowledge base that we can all draw from. Okay, well, that's all for me today. I'm wishing you so many blessings. I hope this was, you know, brought some insight or clarity. And um, yeah, I would love to hear from you in the comments. Okay, wishing you so many blessings, signing off for now. XOXO Kate.